Friday, August 12, 2011

The Mystery of Death

The one thing I have always felt around death is the mystery of it. In our last moments, are we alone? Do we see the spirits of those loves ones who have gone before us? Do we feel the pain & the fear that moment we realize we are leaving this world, or are we surrounded by an unexplainable peace & comfort?

I am a twin so I have never been alone, nor have I ever felt alone spiritually. For as long as I can remember I have felt the presence of my guides, though what felt like many has only ever shown as one, a female angel. For as long as I can remember I have also been curious about eternity, life on the other side, or whatever it is. So curious that as I child I was never afraid to die, but ready & excited for the journey should it begin.

As I said in my last post, I am writing about the lives and journeys back home that I have witnessed and been blessed to have been a part of; specifically, my two daughters who are celebrating their birthdays this month in heaven. Cheyenne is our oldest. She turns 16 this month. When I was pregnant with her I could not believe I was having a girl. I had always believed I would have two boys. Sometime around 4 or 5 months I was still sick & having heavy nose bleeds. I know my medical care was poor, it was an HMO. I wanted to change policies but had strong reasons not to as well. I was distraught & did not think I was going to make it through that pregnancy. Sitting on the floor in my livingroom, alone, I suddenly heard a woman's voice from behind me... of course I turned & looked, it was that real! She said "Yes, Beth, it is a girl. Everything will be alright as long as you make the right decisions." That was it, I knew without a doubt that we had to change insurance policies while the window remained open.

We switched to a PPO and got better care, a better hospital, I was not getting the nose bleeds or the illness anymore. When Cheyenne was born they noticed a couple anomalies & kept her for a few more days. The night of her 5th day she suddenly went into a state called tacycardia (no, I don't know how to spell it). The nurses had to slowly massage her heart rate back down to a safe level. Had she been at home, which would have been the case with the HMO, she would have passed with hardly any visible clue as to why & it would have ben written off as SIDS.

Since we were able to get a health plan of our choosing we were able to get more time with Cheyenne. We took her home two weeks after her birth & we woke to a backyard full of dove. The dove were loud and abundant.

.....but that is another story.


Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

Oh, my. I can't imagine... I'm not sure what your beliefs are as I've just started coming here, but I hope it's okay to say may the God of peace and love comfort you. This must be difficult, yet cathartic in some way, to share.

Kelcy Beets said...

I absolutely love your posts, especially about your daughters and your journey to find peace...keep writing! I want to read more...even though I've never experienced anything like this, your writing is truly a work of art and obviously from the heart and gives me strength in my own struggles. Keep writing!!!! Can't wait to read more!

Jillsy Girl said...

I watched a TV show a couple of weeks ago but I can't remember the station it was on or the name. It was one of those like Dateline and it was about people who had passed on only momentarily. Their stories about the moments when they were on the "other side" were very similar to one another. They all had experienced a sense of peace and a drifting toward a light they could not explain. They said it was extremely peaceful and not at all frightening.

Ally B said...

Wow Mrs. Crocker . Your blog gives me goosebumps , you write so well ! I pray for you and your family ! & God bless(:

Ally B
4th Period