Sunday, August 28, 2011

Believing when there is no proof

I am tired. Grief does that to you. Today is my little froggie's 10th birthday. She was only here on Earth for 18 months. Emily was a soul with her own plan. She finished & went home suddenly, in my arms, after a long day at work for me. To this day I hate it when people yell out in joy "It's Friday!" All I hear is myself saying that very same thing as I left work...then the rest is history, to me anyway.
This was shot just two weeks before she passed. It's not my shot, but a friend's work.

In my previous posts this month I spent the time sharing the joys of life & the mysteries of death from an easy perspective....PROOF. I had the proof that those things were happening during Cheyenne's life & after. But with Emily it was very different. Because she was so young, not having established her own verbal abilities yet, we really never got to know her or recognize her presence like we did with her older sister. When she passed we had to rely on FAITH. Believing without seeing. It was not so easy. I mean I believed, but I had a harder time seeing things in the first place. Does that make sense?

Steve Alley, our pediatrician & friend, believed in us. We met the weekend Cheyenne was in the hospital & passed. He was so moved by her spirit, wisdom, & whatever else she hit him with that he says she changed the way he approaches his work. He became our pediatrician for Emily, & now for David. If I told him things were not right, or I was not comfortable he always trusted my intuition, even if he did not have the scientific proof to back it up. As a doctor that had to be hard, but he believed in us as parents. That is one thing so great about the awesome people in his practice, Fannin Pediatrics of Houston. Yes, I'm plugging my friends business. WHY? Because I BELIEVE. But then I have proof on this one.

It's easy when the evidence is in front of you, as it was with Cheyenne, but to know she is still around me, hearing me talk to her, knowing how much I miss her when I'm not seeing any proof, well... that's where the challenge lies. When Cheyenne died I used to criticize & judge those other grieving parents for not KNOWING they are not separated from their kids spiritually, but after Emily passed I understood the challenge. They did not have the "Cheyenne" in their lives to provide the proof. Their faith that they would be together again had to come from other sources, for some those other sources did not exist. They are lost in their pain to this day & may not survive. But I pray that they do. That they find something to hold on to, to believe in.

Then there are those (forgive me) JERKS in life who have to naysay & chop down whatever tiny bit of evidence we can dig up to maintain our strength & sanity. They have to accuse us of imagining that which they think does not exist, say we are just desperately grabbing on to things, that we are lost and are not making sense. I was once called by a woman "emotionally unstable" and not equipped to be in the classroom as her child's teacher. I was the one sitting calmly as she spouted these things & she was the one screaming, cussing, & yelling. WHO is emotionally unstable? They have no idea what we are going through, will continue to go through, & how it will change us forever. They are ignorant to our pain. I disregard them & continue in my faith, believing without proof at times, writing to help others who need that strength, & hoping that one or two of those "jerks" will wizen up & find a little compassion in their hearts.

I've got some shots of Emily here to share with you. Take a look, feel her energy (she was a happy little froggie for sure!) and BELIEVE.

The bottom line: So what if you think it's not true, if it helps us heal & continue being contributing members of society why do you have to steal our lifeboat?


Niki said...

All I have are hugs for you. I don't know your grief, but I admire your faith. I love the way you can see your girls in everyday things. I cannot understand why anyone would try to take that from you. Happy Birthday to Miss Emily.

Beth Crocker said...

Thanks Niki!

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

Bless you and your family. I commend you for sharing your heart and pain with the blogging community. Your little Froggie is beautiful.

Ashley Sisk said...

This post brings tears to my eyes - definitely evidence of a life that led to lots of joy.