Showing posts with label Child loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Child loss. Show all posts

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Death of Shakespeare's son

He opened the letter... his son was ill, time was short, return home now. The master of words went silent. When we lose a child we find ourselves lost too. We are suddenly not the person we were. On August 11th, 1596, the man known everywhere for his wit, his wisdom, & his insight, found himself speechless. William Shakespeare's son died. Hamnet was 11 yrs old, and a twin. William had only been around him a few times most likely, on vacations home from London where he lived and worked. One might think his lack of words were due to this lack of familiarity, but a few tiny hints in plays he wrote after his son died makes me believe otherwise.


William lived in a time when women were underrated, and a boy was the heir. William had risen in life far above the station of his father, with money and contacts that he would need to leave to a son. He was also a man who mastered the art of expressing deeply interwoven emotions. His characters suffered great loss, enjoyed great success, and mastered great manipulations, but the man who created all those things was silent on the subject of the death of his son.

As a twice bereaved mom, I know first hand that everyone deals with their loss differently. I have seen the most social people dig themselves a hole to crawl into and go silent, and I have seen the most introverted spirits suddenly explode with demands for socialization. I believe William Shakespeare was among the former group. When you spend your life imagining tragedy and loss, you give countless hours to creating the experience that moves everyone who sees it, there must be that moment when art becomes life, and it is nothing like what you imagined. Everything he thought would be, was wrong. I'm amazed he ever picked up another pen.

But he did. He wrote his best work after that loss. His comedies were deeper, with hidden messages that have very serious tones, sarcasm, and an ability to show the world how silly humanity can be. His tragedies were suddenly very real, discovering the powerful ability to reach inward to the character's soul, and simply let the audience eavesdrop on their thoughts.

In the play King John, written just after the death of Hamnet, in 1596, he writes in the character of a grieving mother who speaks the words the author could not: "I am not mad; I would to God I were".

She goes on to say:

"Grief fills the room up of my absent child,

Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form."    ---(III.4.93–97)

We can not possibly know (yet) the exact dates that he wrote his plays, and we can certainly argue the point that his plays, and his writing skills, were improving all the time. and the death of his son had no impact on that. That said, the idea that the death of his son stimulated a higher level of understanding, therefore deeper characters and story dynamics, can also be made. We literally have nothing in his words as a bereaved father, we only have the words he wrote into fictional characters in fictional situations of child loss. Even those are very few, but all those references written after the loss of his son are consistent with our own knowledge as bereaved parents, while those references written in his plays before the death of his son, like in Romeo and Juliet, are more like what we hear from those who have not faced the reality of child loss. 

The loss of his son left him silent... except in his plays. His play, Hamlet, is a perfect example of the words William Shakespeare was missing in his own life:
"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
                                                                                        ---Hamlet
"Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!" 

                                                                                    ---Horatio


The irony of this man's life, a life of words and expression, masterfully written with advanced thinking for his time, is also the life of the deepest silent solitude when it comes to his private story.  Perhaps, as grieving parents, we might find solace in the example Shakespeare provided as a man who found an outlet for his grief, behind a mask for safety, but always in public. He continued to have a very successful life, deeply motivated by the man he had become after the loss of his son.



Saturday, April 1, 2017

Not What I Expected

    Being a bereaved parent is not what I expected, starting with the fact that I didn't expect to be a bereaved parent. Who does that?! I mean, no one EXPECTS to be faced with burying their child. We, as new parents, are so focused on making sure we provide a strong childhood and upbringing to our new child that we refuse to allow those darker thoughts to enter our minds. We don't even want to take up the offer we all get in the mail to sign up our new babies for Gerber's Life Insurance that pays us if our child dies. WHO DOES THAT?! Yes, it would have been smart for us to do that, wish we had.
Our Rainbow, Cheyenne

    Then when we were faced with burying our second child, we found ourselves without that baby life insurance again. Then, when we had our HEALTHY third child, we STIL DID NOT DO IT! This time we knew he was healthy, so we didn't want to risk taunting Death. The point is that as a human race, it is natural for us to be positive and hopeful in our daily lives, more so when parenting our children, so when we find ourselves living what we never expected, we are not prepared.

Our Froggie, Emily.

    It's been nearly 20 years since our oldest, Cheyenne, passed. A few less since we lost Emily. We have been living the cliche "Life goes on" journey. Our son is nearly 11 now, healthy and loved, if not a bit spoiled. Yes, we have good days... even GREAT days. I thank God for those days. They are needed to balance those days that will never go away. Those days that hit without warning, unexpectedly. There are lots of things that happen that we don't expect when our children die. How we react to them will determine how our lives unfold after our children die. Below is a list of a few of those unexpected things, and the reactive choices we are faced with. The trick for a grieving parent is to choose wisely so our lives will have opportunities for greatness again.


    I didn't expect that the grief process after loosing Emily, our second child to bury, would move faster, or be easier. At times I didn't think it did, but it did. Each day we were faced with the returning pain, and we had to choose to reject it or embrace it. By embracing it, we were in (a bit) more control. We used it to recognize the love we still have for our girls. We used it to recognize our own strength and ability to get through it as experienced bereaved parents. Then we could (still can) face each day knowing we are better for having known and loved our children. We are better and stronger than most other people.


   I didn't expect to be faced with the almost celebrity style respect and admiration we often get from others who "can't imagine" what we live with. I don't like it, it makes me very uncomfortable because I'd rather have my girls back. I know they just want to help us see how strong we are, but it's weird.

   I didn't expect to ever feel whole again, but I do... usually. I've learned that what Patrick Swayze said in "Ghost" is true... "The love stays with you". The love is them, still here, just in a different form. So I take it and run with it. I remind myself that I am a better person for having been their mom, and that means I AM WHOLE, despite the fact that my heart is not.


   I didn't expect... get ready... to hear my husband say the loss of his mom is more difficult than burying his two little girls. WHAT???!!!! Yes, it's true. HOW????? ...the pain of loss is built up of the memories and the relationship shared. They had a VERY SPECIAL and very rare mother son bond, built on 57 years of life together. It's hard to explain, harder to understand, but I think I'm getting it.

   Everyone grieves differently, based on the relationship, and how it was left at the time of the death. We can prepare all we want, or ignore all the signs telling us we need to prepare. Either way, death comes to us all. How we choose to live with it will define how our lives unfold. I miss my girls more than words can say. Anyone who has buried their child knows this gut wrenching misery. There was a time when I feared this day, the day I would say that my girls are JUST PART OF MY JOURNEY. The day that I would say my life is MORE than being their mom. I didn't expect I could ever say this. ...but I do now, and it's OK. It has not lessened the love or weakened the memories one bit. The LOVE never dies, so neither do they.



Monday, March 13, 2017

That One Person

Wow. Here I go again, saying the same thing I've said too many times before: It's been over a year since I've written in my blog. Over two this time! I did NOT see that happening! Where did it go?! So now here I sit, finally having time and energy to write. The question is WHAT to write. I mean, why do people even blog (or vlog) in the first place? It feels a bit narcissistic when I'm writing about me, at no one's request, for the world to see. Then I remember that one person who lost a child and needs some support (been there twice), or that one person who just started teaching and really needs some good classroom tips (been doing it for 30 years), or that one person who loves travel stories because travel is not an option, or that one person who loves photography, or scrapbooking, or quilting, or costume design...

photo credit: Wren Weichman

It's all about THAT ONE PERSON who somehow finds their way through a myriad of personally opinionated bloggers and lands on mine because I hit a tender spot in a heart that needs my specific words. For whatever reason.

One person. It can start an avalanche of recovery, revelation, or maybe just a much needed rest from an otherwise chaotic day.

Sometimes I am that one person. Sometimes I just need myself to stop and listen to what I have to say to me. Or maybe I'm just clearing my head. Whatever the reason, I often feel pulled to my blog, like others are pulled to the beach or the mountains. It clears my head and helps me feel a bit more fulfilled. So why have I been ignoring it for TWO YEARS????

Life. It sweeps us up and carries us away while we are still looking back and reaching for that which we might never have, nor should we. It's what happens while we are pursuing what we THINK is our life, but actually, our lives are what happens while we live each day, each moment, each breath.


I am blessed enough that I will be able to retire from teaching and work from home while getting my son through the last 6 years of school. I love my job, it's been amazing, but I love my son more. My job isn't a typical teaching job. I teach high school theatre. I work long hours on my feet building sets, hanging lights, sewing costumes, coaching actors, and producing plays that cost thousands of dollars. I teach teenagers how to have successful lives in whatever they pursue. My body is tired, it needs a more gentle life. Thank God (and her team) for giving me additional skills to supplement my retirement income at such a young age. ...and yes, 54 at retirement is young, I know. Like I said, I have been blessed.


There are so many people out there far better at my skills than I, working as hard or harder, and just as connected, but their lives don't have the blessings that I have had. Maybe, just maybe, something I say in my blog will find its way to THAT ONE PERSON who needs my words. ...and maybe that one person is me. Reminding myself that I am loved. I am strong. I am smart.

So, as I approach the last year working at my theater, and I begin looking ahead to my next stage of life, making plans and rebuilding my efforts as a photographer and private acting coach, I will be getting back to my blog so I can keep myself in check while hopefully giving a little something to that one person who needs it.

Thank you for visiting, reading, and commenting. I hope you return. Spread the word, share the love.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

On healing after child loss...

Well August has come & gone. The birthday month for both my girls, whom we lost in their first years of life. Usually, at this time of year, I post stuff about them & what it's like living with the pain. I try to be positive, I do all the things that seem to work, etc... but not this time. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just tired of doing all the same things AGAIN, maybe I'm just tired of giving it my energy, or maybe I'm just tired.

But the pain has reared its ugly head more this year. Cheyenne was supposed to celebrate turning 18, going off to college, voting for the first time, & all that comes with being a new adult. Emily was going to be 12. Ahhhh adolescence! No comment there. Given the sheer beauty of this child, I'm sure the boys would have been running away from the point of a shotgun about now. Her porcelain skin, jet black hair, & eyelashes that could sweep a floor would be irresistible to any smart young boy.

As for me, I just put my head in fantasy. I spent hours watching marathon runs of Merlin, took David to the pool, ...well, ok, I dragged him to the pool kicking & screaming something about wanting to stay home & play minecraft all day. As usual, the school year began with a week of teachers' inservice. Day three was Cheyenne's birthday, the first of two in one week. I woke to the alarm, sat up & the fountain of tears came rushing in ...no, they came exploding in! I could not stop. All the way to work, sitting in my office, sitting through meetings. I called my department chair, Cindy, to say I would be late to the meeting, not sure if I could be around anyone. She lovingly said come anyway, we will hold you.

Thank God for Cindy.

I got it out of my system, & by the time we had finished the workday, been to the cemetery to do flowers, & gone to eat, I was way better. The next birthday, for Emily was much easier. I had a classroom full of students who politely sat through the first of what will be many moving stories I share with them to teach them that love never dies. It stays with you for ever. I spent that day not teaching theatre, but teaching faith. That's right, I taught about FAITH in a public school. DEAL WITH IT!
Did you know that Shakespeare lost a son? He understands.

The last several years I thought I was healed enough to start talking to the public, ideas of Ted Talks have been floating through my head, starting a support group at the school for the teenagers who have lost their family members, etc... I was HEALING!

I revisited my old support group with a friend who brought her neighbors, newly bereaved, to the meeting. When it was my turn to talk I lost it. After 14 yrs I found myself a total inconsolable mess. I guess I am not healed yet. What was I thinking? I have been self-medicating my grief with hobbies out the ying-yang, staying so busy that I won't have to feel the pain. I chose (smartly) when to let it out... because I was in control ...yeah, right. Whatever.

As a theatre teacher (long hours all year) & a mom of a 7 yr old boy, I have plenty to keep me busy, but now I know it is time to step back, face the music, & deal with the pain. I'm still not sure how I will do this, but I have to. Never once in all these years, not even when it was happening... and it happened TWICE, did I ever question God's plan. Never once have I said "why". One thing I am proud to say is that I have an unusually strong relationship with the creator of the universe, not influenced by religion, but by my own relationship with God. What I say & do each day is between Him & me, no one else, & I know that my God will hold me through it all just as I held my children through it all: with LOVE, COMPASSION, & SUPPORT. ...even when I'm wrong.

I was recently given a great gift from a student & her mom. It is the memoirs of Barbara Bush, signed with a beautiful note... 

She & the former President have also lost a child. Their sweet beauty, Robin, was 3 yrs old, as was Cheyenne. I remember after we lost Cheyenne, our first of the two, as we attended the Astros games, with seats just a couple sections down from the Bush family, I would spend more time watching the First Lady as she kept scores on all the players than I spent watching the game. I would just sit there & think to myself "If she can do all the things she has done, so can I!" God put everyone together on this planet so we could commune, support, and provide as needed for one another. Religion is irrelevant, but FAITH, good, positive, living-in-the-light kind of faith, is essential for success & happiness. My daughters came to this mortal world for their own reasons, their own impact on the universe. And so did I. Just as they would both be leaving the nest at 18, I must let them go, always keeping them in my heart & my soul. In a letter to his mom, President Bush said:
                "But she is still with us. We need her, & yet we have her. We can't touch her, & yet we can feel her. We hope she will stay in our house for a long, long time."

Well said, Mr. President!

My girls live on, celebrating their birthdays, and continuing to teach us how to live in the light.


So I will continue, adjusting each moment to make room for more time to face the music. I will spend more time in meditation, and in faith. Love will get me there.


Friday, July 26, 2013

It's the Little Things...

Choosing where to travel first involves things like budget & timing. I love love love to travel. Somewhere in me is an explorer that gets to get a breath of fresh air from time to time. There are so many places I want to go, but each summer I end up in the same place. Why? Family. How does one choose between the love of family & the desire to explore? I face that choice each year as I plan the summer for my son & me (my husband does not like to travel).

This year the decision was a no brainer. My mom is turning 80 in September. We never give her a party because it's not in the summer when the family can get together. My twin had the bright idea this year to give mom an "Almost 80" party. We celebrated last month, when the family could all get together.

The trick each year as I repeat the same travel destination (thank God I love the place!) is to find ways to work in the explorer's desires with the same family trip. This year I chose to take my son whale watching (see previous post).

Some time after I lost my oldest daughter, our family gathered, everyone's children in tow, etc... & one of my brothers joyfully announced "WOW! What a rare thing to have everyone together at one time!" My heart sank. No, it plummeted to the depths of hell. I quickly said "Not everyone is here." then I had to leave the room for a moment. I did not want to ruin his joy, but the fact was that NOT everyone was there. My daughter was gone & would never be in another family photo, or our arms again. We would NEVER have the whole family together again, & I seemed to be the only one who realized that. In a family of 7, each with their own, one tiny person can be forgotten easily enough. It's the little things.



Time spent with many of my family members, cousins included, is ALWAYS fun & exciting, even in the down times. It's in the little things that we find our joys. This post is to remind us all how to find those little things & celebrate them, because nothing is perfect, nothing is pure, except the love God has for us. That love is shown in the little things & if you look you can see them everywhere.

Here is just some of what I found on this trip....


My new blouse from Cory, he only paid a $1!!!!

My mom's decor, & Wren, my nephew, feeling comfortable enough to grab my camera & shoot pictures. I love his eye. Did I mention he's an FX film & video creator in LA?

He got this shot too: my brother David (D1) with my son David (D2).

New additions to the family. Meet Jenna, Wren's fiancé!

Do I need to explain?

That moment when texture hits lighting over a great model, my twin, Marie.

Wren with my camera again. ...and hammocks with quilts on them. Gotta love it!

Getting to see my nieces & nephews all grown up. For a twice bereaved parent like me, that is really something to celebrate!

Pictures in pictures.

My oldest brother, Steve, bonding with my son.

Color, Contrast, & Perspective!

Cory, former student of mine & now best friend, becoming part of my family. OK, as a teacher this is more than a little thing, but it's the little things that got us where we are.

Flowers. Cheap flowers.

Again with the color, contrast, & perspective. You never know as you walk along a street, thinking you are done with the errand, what little thing will catch your eye!

'nuf said.

Humor, truth, & beauty where you least expect it. Two previous shots of this guy w/out my twin, and she jumped in & he lit up like the sun!

Too many little things to mention. I love this shot! What little things do you see in it that bring you joy?

Fresh salmon, not that stinky stuff shipped to Texas that we say is fresh.

Story time.

More story time.

Lone Star beer, not sold in Washington, but yet there it is ;)

The fact that the only person smiling for me has pink hair. Love it!

Dinner in the orchard. ...and more story time.

Pretty little things.

Comparing notes on their twin spouses?

In the words of Marie, this shot is proof that my husband, Nick, actually made this trip! Little things can represent big things.

Fun labels


Spontaneous moments that grow.




The little things.