Distractions are a good...SQUIRREL!

Distractions are a good thing. We laugh at the dogs in the movie UP every time they interrupt themselves over a squirrel, but seriously, is it so bad? Last week my friend & mentor died suddenly & we said goodbye to her last Tuesday. Last Tuesday was also the birthday of my oldest daughter, Cheyenne, & this Tuesday is the birthday of my next daughter, Emily. We have to celebrate their birthdays at the cemetery because that's where they are now...ok I know, their bodies are there, their spirits are everywhere. I'm used to it now, but what is new this year is that, had Cheyenne lived, she would be a senior in high school & I would be doing all those fun things with her like picking out her graduation invitations, shooting senior pictures, shopping for her prom dress, etc...

Since I am the head of the theatre program I run the theater, booking all the events in there. You know, events like senior assemblies to order graduation invitations, decorating for Prom, organizing senior spotlight night, awards night, etc... Let's just open the wound & pour salt in it all year!

I began the new school year last week, & students join us tomorrow. Luckily, I have some distractions that are as powerful as a squirrel. I get to teach a Shakespeare class (my passion), and I will be doing a one woman show in our drama club season (first time ever). I am excited about both, & nervous about one, just enough to keep me focused on them instead of on the things I WON'T get to do this year. Does it take away the pain? No, but it does help to dull it a bit, & for that I am grateful. Besides, after discovering that my niece who is majoring in English in college is about to graduate without having had one Shakespeare class, I think my class is more important than ever. I'm still blown away that Shakespeare is not a requirement for an English degree!

(former student Zach Lewis, far right, in the Houston Shakespeare Outreach performance of Romeo & Juliet)

So, for my sweet angel girls: Happy Birthday! You are my life, my heart, & my love for ever & ever. I adore you, respect you, and miss you. Give my friend Marilyn a big welcome home, & hug her for me.

Now bring on the ....SQUIRREL!

A Flock of Dove and a White Dress

Jacquelyn Small said we are not human beings learning to be spiritual; we are spiritual beings learning to be human.

Well I, for one, know that I am learning every day how to be both spiritual and human. As a spiritual being living a human life I spend too much time focusing on the human aspects of life (as well I should...I think) & I find myself forgetting about my spiritual self. Keep in mind that I am not talking about religion, but the spirit inside me. That energy, or life force, that was created and will live forever.

Then just as I am coasting along in this human existence something happens to shake it all up, to challenge me. As I mentioned in the previous blog post, we brought Cheyenne home after she was born and woke that first morning at home to a loud unfamiliar & somewhat annoying sound. When I opened the blinds I saw a HUGE flock of dove sitting in perfect soldier-like formation along the top of the entire fence line around the back yard. They had never been there before & it was truly a sight to see. As the next few years rolled by they became a permanent part of the family. Our dove.

When Cheyenne was 13 months old we had her baptized into our faith. Do we believe that it is a necessity to enter into heaven? No. We did it because we wanted to make a public commitment to her that we would raise her with the Holy Spirit. We would teach her to love, to be kind, to forgive, & most of all to know that she will never be alone because she was created by God.

(My MIL with her mom, Cheyenne, & me)

I made her baptism dress from scraps of dupioni silk left over from my wedding dress that my mom had made me. While I was working on the dress I had a vision that rattled me to my very core. I instantly stopped working & called my twin. Through my tears I described the vision I had of Cheyenne laying in a casket & wearing that white dress I was making. My sister talked me down off that cliff so well that I forgot all about it & went on in my human life with great joy...exactly what I should have been doing.

But that all changed two years later. Cheyenne passed suddenly from congestive heart failure at 3.5 years old. We drove home from the hospital without her & I remember so clearly that my color vision had gone. I was only seeing in black & white. The next morning, when I woke, the house was so quiet. No sounds of Cheyenne playing, or food cooking, ...or dove. I ran to the back window & opened the blinds. They were gone. Just like my little girl, the beautiful dove were all gone.

The funeral home called to tell us we had to bring something to dress her in for the funeral. I had no idea what to take. It was at that moment that my sister jumped up & said "I do!" She ran upstairs to Cheyenne's closet & pulled out the white dress. It still fit Cheyenne since she had not grown a lot & I made it kinda big in the first place. So we took the beautiful silk dress to the funeral home & they dressed my first born for her burial.

As I sat in church several weeks later, thinking how the absence of the dove was a constant reminder of Cheyenne's absence (as if I needed reminding), the pastor made a sudden & random reference to the holy trinity & the role of the dove. He reminded me that the dove was the Holy Spirit on Earth sent down to witness us as we lived our human lives. It was at that moment that it all made sense to me. Those dove were there to witness her life. When she went home so did they. Their job was done. Her job was done.

...and mine must continue.

Where God Lives...

      All of my followers here on my blog know I am a twice bereaved parent. What very few of you all know is that I carried my oldest daughter across & personally handed her to the angels who completed the journey with her. So you can trust me when I tell you this: if you want to know where God lives put yourself somewhere in a place of peace; get lost in some music, or the soft sound of the wind in the trees, or anything that lifts you up. Close your eyes & feel the joy. THAT is where God lives, and THAT is where Heaven is.

     

     In two weeks Cheyenne, my older daughter turns 16. In three weeks Emily, my second daughter, turns 10. They are celebrating their lives in heaven but we will be celebrating here on earth. For the month of August, here on my blog & on Facebook,  I will share with you my thoughts, feelings, & experiences they taught me. I will tell you about my journey taking Cheyenne across, I will tell you about their visits from heaven, and I will try to explain where and how I get my strength.

    The recent loss of our Navy Seals, as well as the recent loss of two family members and a few others we know only through mutual friends/family have helped me to anchor myself again to that which matters most: LOVE. Open your eyes and you will begin to see it everywhere.

If you are so moved, please share this blog with others, You never know who might need the words of advice or the comfort. In the words of my dear friend & spiritual mentor, Julianna: "I love each and every one of you."